My story with Mary-Jane(person, not drugs)

Wow, its been a while, guess I haven't been frustrated or depressed in a while....or wow is distracting me. Anyways, since I last blogged, I've had quite an experience, and has changed me somewhat...or made me realize what I want to be happy. Its about a girl, obviously, we'll name Mary-Jane.

It started sometime in June i think, i was still pining for four, but i felt i couldnt just wait for her since it would be a long time til i saw her again(if ever) and she didnt feel that way about me, so i went looking again for someone to fill the void in my life that appeared since starting my love life. nothing really panned out, then Mary Jane contacted me through plentyoffish.com, and i had not even seen her on there. she was the first one to initiate contact and, we chatted for a bit(small bit) and she immediately asked me out, which freaked me out a bit to be honest, but, i decided to take the chance anyways. i went over to her home(a long bus ride) and we watched movies for a couple hours, and i was being my nervous self so nothing else happened. so the next day, she said she had a good time but thought we were too different, which i agreed with at the time and marked it up to a fail-date. she proceeded to cut off communications with me and there was no way i could talk to her, or whatever.

so then, a few weeks later she contacted me again, because im not one to cut off communications like she did. we talked a bit about what went on on our first date, and she had taken my shyness for disinterest, which i had totally warned her about beforehand. and decided to try it again, THAT DAY. i went over there again to watch some movies(her main hobby), and well, i tried harder to be more relaxed, since in our chatting she told me she wanted me to be ....more relaxed. i got myself to start cuddling, and that was good. then at some time, i looked over at her, and our lips touched, much to my happy surprise(this was my first kiss btw). this of course led to more things, including sex, and i spent the night. i was soo wrapped up in the moment that i had no barriers that ive previously had, and was totally surreal. this of course has changed me, and now i kind of crave the affection we shared, and added to the small list of things i want from a relationship. so even though there is an end to this story, the experience has helped me in the big picture.

so for the next 2 weeks, we saw each other about every 3 days for 2 days at a time. i found out im a really good lover, which i had always suspected, but never proved. i had thought we were going to last a while and we made some plans. we were very happy, though i had not started loving her. we went to the beach, watched movies, went out to eat, etc. i had even started "moving in", leaving stuff there, so id feel more comfortable. then one day before the highland games, which we were looking forward to, me especially, because im tired of being alone during one of my favorite days. ...i said that i was settling in, and that the excitement was wearing off, and i realize now i shouldve said that made me happy, but nonetheless, that upset her(too much, she confessed), and ended it a short while later bringing back my stuff, and cutting off communication again.

she contacted me again a day or 2 later, and we decided to try to be friends. that ended quickly because i would be looking for my chance, and i proved the point before she said it. that was kinda funny to be honest.

and so, the last chapter started last week, she contacted me to wish me well since i had gotten mono recently...from god-knows-where, it was a month since i had last kissed her, and shes never had it. we talked and she was lonely and horny and decided to give being f-buddies a try. it was doomed from the start because i cant just have sex, i crave a bond, but i went along with it anyways, since i didnt know that it couldnt work, and because she contacted me again i had hope for more. so yeah, i tried to hide my hand and play it slow and gentle, but im too honest, and i cant help sometimes but give myself away. she ran off again, and i decided it could never work between us, despite all the good things between us, i could never relax with her enough like i did the first time, i would always be in fear of her running away. so theres where the story ends, even if she were to try to contact me again...

i believe she has self-esteem issues(i tried to help with that), and commitment issues. she might not think she should be happy with her life until shes happy with herself...which shes been "trying" to do for a while now. she is prolly afraid that if shes not happy with herself how could someone else be, and assumes they would leave her after so long, so she doesnt let anyone get too close, as much as she wants it. im afraid if she doesnt realize this, and does something about it, ill be the best relationship shell have, at least for a very long time. and she, like everyone, deserves to be happy. i wish her luck, and a happy life.

not angry, just desperate

so what do you do if youve fallen for someone, told them, didnt freak out and continues to be a friend? shes going away for a few months, and i wish i could be with her. i would go on her trip with her if it was that simple...she was worried that if i had decided to go, that she would have to deal with the stress of having to "take care" of me as i wouldnt have been as prepared. im mostly worried for her as shes hiking 2600 miles ALONE. i hope that i will be able to see her again, especially since she has said she might not be back in portland. god, im crazy for her, and her not returning the feelings only makes it worse. its all i can do to hold back my desperation from her, though it kinda makes me depressed...but a different kind than the other depression i have problems with. its interesting...sort of. obviously, i write this in an effort to alleviate myself of these feelings, as i usually feel much better after i unload.

-i love you and hope one day you feel the same-

nothing really matters

everything i do just seems to end up a failure. still no job, no girl. these are the things someone my age should have had for years. i fuckin hate time, ive lost my limbo, and im feeling its curse.

on a happy note, i have a date tomorrow(feeling like it wont happen though), and my birthday is coming up, though i wish i could spend vday with someone like i did last year. need to get motivated to do the things i should, but yeah, im depressed. i need someone to kick me or something, wish i knew how "I" could pull myself out of this familiar quagmire.

imagery

the path not traveled, while dangerous, is worth exploring. the pain of regret is worse than the pain of knowledge. the hardest thing one can ever do is start. the easiest thing one can do is wish. empathy and sympathy are the twists and turns in the maze of communication. love may be worth what ever one sacrifices, but it must be gained in consideration of the other. figuring that out is the greatest puzzle one can solve. time is the neutral enemy of everything. trapping a skittish animal is more painful than befriending it.

decisions decisions

i fucking hate making difficult decisions, so this saturday i have 2 things: my cousin is moving, and a game. its been hard to plan the game-been out a couple months now without a continuation of the campaign weve been working on. and i said id help my cousin no matter what. why does everything have to happen on the same weekend? i wish i could save a weekend in which i do nothing for a future time, and when i need it, i could go back and use that time. and im creating another decision in my head, where there needs to be none, which would be a tough one also. life sucks, even when it doesnt, youre just using a different hooker.

subject blackout

out of respect for fours privacy, i will not be discussing her here forthwith, ill will be trying to talk directly to her about it all, yes shes read my blog and she hasnt stopped talking to me. thats the last word on here youll hear of it. i am sorry if i have enthralled anyone with the drama of my thoughts of her, ill have to think of something else to write about, maybe a fiction? that could be entertaining...youll have to wait and see what i feel like doing...same quantum time, same quantum place(as in a time or place cannot be properly measured within a degree of error...or something, i dont feel like putting it in proper word-order, im tired)

Falling through Limbo

ive given up trying to land four, she made it clear she doesnt want to put any effort into doing anything with me.

i still might be over-reacting, but heres what she said, but let me put it in the proper context. she was really tired and frustrated with her stolen wireless internet cutting out often, and prolly irritated at me a bit because i wanted to do something with her-she couldve at least came and seen me after her trip...but thats neither here nor there:

four: adam, i dont want to plan to do anything anytime
four: i would be happy to see you at game or sca
four: otherwise, i am not making plans

she says that shes not one to make plans-and thats true, but if you want to find someone you have to make the effort and look forward to it. she knows this, which is why im sure she doesnt want me. she prolly never did-but her mixed signals were so intriguing due to that i wanted her, and cant imagine someone "better" exists for me. so i continue my fruitless searches, running towards a dream that will never come true ...as i want them? interesting thought that...

all this leads me to realize that i am indeed emo-in a candy shell. ever since my "awakening" ive never been the same, and cant imagine how i was before 8 months ago-before i felt anything that truly mattered. i wish everything went differently from then on, maybe i could be happy, maybe i could have a job, maybe i could monetarily show how i feel to people that matter. this year was special to me, and now i think its made me realize how depressing life can truly be...but theres still a couple months left to prove me wrong. I DARE IT TO.