imagery

the path not traveled, while dangerous, is worth exploring. the pain of regret is worse than the pain of knowledge. the hardest thing one can ever do is start. the easiest thing one can do is wish. empathy and sympathy are the twists and turns in the maze of communication. love may be worth what ever one sacrifices, but it must be gained in consideration of the other. figuring that out is the greatest puzzle one can solve. time is the neutral enemy of everything. trapping a skittish animal is more painful than befriending it.

decisions decisions

i fucking hate making difficult decisions, so this saturday i have 2 things: my cousin is moving, and a game. its been hard to plan the game-been out a couple months now without a continuation of the campaign weve been working on. and i said id help my cousin no matter what. why does everything have to happen on the same weekend? i wish i could save a weekend in which i do nothing for a future time, and when i need it, i could go back and use that time. and im creating another decision in my head, where there needs to be none, which would be a tough one also. life sucks, even when it doesnt, youre just using a different hooker.

subject blackout

out of respect for fours privacy, i will not be discussing her here forthwith, ill will be trying to talk directly to her about it all, yes shes read my blog and she hasnt stopped talking to me. thats the last word on here youll hear of it. i am sorry if i have enthralled anyone with the drama of my thoughts of her, ill have to think of something else to write about, maybe a fiction? that could be entertaining...youll have to wait and see what i feel like doing...same quantum time, same quantum place(as in a time or place cannot be properly measured within a degree of error...or something, i dont feel like putting it in proper word-order, im tired)

Falling through Limbo

ive given up trying to land four, she made it clear she doesnt want to put any effort into doing anything with me.

i still might be over-reacting, but heres what she said, but let me put it in the proper context. she was really tired and frustrated with her stolen wireless internet cutting out often, and prolly irritated at me a bit because i wanted to do something with her-she couldve at least came and seen me after her trip...but thats neither here nor there:

four: adam, i dont want to plan to do anything anytime
four: i would be happy to see you at game or sca
four: otherwise, i am not making plans

she says that shes not one to make plans-and thats true, but if you want to find someone you have to make the effort and look forward to it. she knows this, which is why im sure she doesnt want me. she prolly never did-but her mixed signals were so intriguing due to that i wanted her, and cant imagine someone "better" exists for me. so i continue my fruitless searches, running towards a dream that will never come true ...as i want them? interesting thought that...

all this leads me to realize that i am indeed emo-in a candy shell. ever since my "awakening" ive never been the same, and cant imagine how i was before 8 months ago-before i felt anything that truly mattered. i wish everything went differently from then on, maybe i could be happy, maybe i could have a job, maybe i could monetarily show how i feel to people that matter. this year was special to me, and now i think its made me realize how depressing life can truly be...but theres still a couple months left to prove me wrong. I DARE IT TO.

Torn

my feelings for four have increased and i torn whether or not to confront her about them and force a decision from her. im not sure howd she react, and im afraid to lose her. and i dont want trap her with a loser without a job or money and still lives with his parents, she deserves a better partner. i know parts of these feelings are not completely directed at her, just the idea of someone liking me in return, though i cannot imagine a real person id rather be with. anyone else i could imagine is a fantasy, that i know for certain.

i tried to get together with her tomorrow, but shes heading up to seattle for a cool class for the day, though i think she mightve hesitated in going because of me, because i really want to see her again, then after i calmed down i saw it was a good opportunity for her, and its not like shes leaving permanently, i gave her the impression she should go-and so she is. she apparently doesnt like keeping mundane plans, and said as much, so im coming to the conclusion i should just show up at her place-though i shouldnt without asking her. i think its possible shes scared at making commitments, as shes had so many fall apart, and been hurt by it all.

i really should ask her what she thinks about all this, but, im fearful, though she knows clearly what i want. ive told her enough, and she hasnt responded negatively, or at all. which is horribly ambiguous, though shes given me several clues that she wants more, but nothing beyond another explanation. i shall list them, according to my point of view, in an effort to maybe build a case for me to go for it, or not to. she agreed, and was enthusiastic, about going to a weekend camp-out with me, during an SCA event after one date where i met her at her school, and mostly planned the trip, brought her a rose, and bought her dinner...at taco bell. we had a great time at the event, and at the end is when she told me straight out that she just wanted to be friends, that she doesnt think were compatible because were too much alike. she quit the dating site from where we met, saying "but im glad to have met you", and said she was stopping the search for love at the moment. i asked her, foolishly, to help out Onelle, even though it would be way out of her way, to get her to a pirate fair thing-which im sure she wouldve liked being there, so i thought ...maybe? anyways, she blew up at me, saying im thoughtless of her feelings...or something to that effect. later, when i forgot to mention the pirate fair up here, of which she didnt really show much interest, she said i liked onelle more than her. which isnt true, and i sent her a lovely letter telling her that. so, i dunno what to think other than she is content how it is now. any advice is welcome, though as it stands, i plan to see her again as soon as is comfortable for her, though its not for me.

internet tease

no, this isnt about anyone, im sorry to get your hopes up.

this is about the free reviewing of matches on dating sites. we join these sites to find someone special, and its free to join, and they let you see all of the people who would be great for you, and you want to contact them....BUT to communicate with those great people you have to pay, like the sites a goddamn pimp, and not sharing any of the money with their hos....not that they are hos, im just using a colorful metaphor here. just fucking sucks for people who join the site because theyre free and have the whole evil sales technique pushed on us. but there is one site ive found that is good and was recommended to me by a friend and i pass that recommendation onto you! (limited time only, void where prohibited) www.plentyoffish.com its where i found Four, and i hope you find someone special there too.

so, your prolly wondering how thats going right? its going well, ive gotten a lil bit enamored again with her, shes still out of town visiting her family and having a dismal time. her plans got derailed by them, and shes fed up with them for now. she has psycho-analyzed me and her, and doesnt believe wed be a good fit for a relationship, but great friends. when she said this to me-when she was in town-a bit of me wanted to cry, but she wasnt saying "eww, get away from me", she was saying..., well i dunno, but i know she likes me.

my delusional, hopeful mind has created some ideas, but i cant put them down, because they might be too stalker-ish, and scares me that part of my mind creates something like that. and before you get scared of me too, they have to do with her thoughts and feelings that she may hide from me and or herself...not anything like...criminal. i really do believe that she is honest with me, and is not trying to manipulate anything, or foolishly protect her or me. optimism is just hard to put down sometimes. unfortunately, i havent been completely doing the same, and i am ashamed of it, and i hope she does read this...eventually. im trying to find the best times to breach some subjects, and not just blurt things out, though i have a couple times and she was awesome for not running to the hills(latch for my delusional hopes). all i know is for now, i need to build on what we have and see what develops, if anything, and only something good can come from this, at least i have a new friend that has some incredible insight into me, as she is the same way.

conundrum dillema

ive been made aware of a flaw in the way i do things. a flaw, that as a dreamer, i didnt even imagine i had. in my desire to share myself and keep options open i may have inadvertently hurt people. this is causing me to look at myself and reassess how i live my life(watching pay it forward again this morning also helped), and the future of that life. mostly in the form of: what chances i should take, and if i dont make a choice, ill not have the opportunity to take the chances i want to take.

more specifically: Four has lifted a curtain on my dreams, showing me a whole other dimension to love and relationships that i shouldnt have overlooked because i cant predict them. i had left that blank in my head to be filled by whoever i find to want me in return. but ive realized i shouldnt have-i shouldve narrowed down what i want and filled in a lot of the blank. but im afraid if i had done that id end up missing someone i could be happy with because i am too picky.
also, i need to change more than me finding a job and getting a license, i need to be less selfish. i give excuses and rationalizations for it, but i just need to stop and stand on my own, so that i can give of myself truly selflessly. This, im sure, is why she decided that she didnt want a relationship with me. shes experienced the less dimensioned relationships and had her heart broken when she wasnt properly considered/understood in what she wanted and needed(extrapolated assumption). so she doesnt want to get emotionally involved unless her needs are properly met. given this reality, and believing i can make those changes in myself, i have to decide whether or not to pursue it, whether or not im ready for that kind of thing, whether or not thats the future i want in myself, or if theres another that i havent seen, that i can have what i want while giving those what they want. where does this piece of the puzzle fit in my ideas, and am i making too much of a compromise on my dreams, as dreams and fantasies by definition, are selfish.
ive been successful in separating myself from my obsession with love and the depressions that occasionally pop up because of it. so i feel free again as i did before all this happened. but that said, it makes it all more uncertain for me as i dont have the overwhelming desire to search for happiness, but i can look at making the small steps, and there are many. first step: a fucking job that i can stand for a decent amount of time.

random thoughts and writings about love

so, i met this new person, and i immediately felt something, which i know believe is love, but not for the person, for what she represents to me: a dream of love. i want it badly enough to have fallen in love with the idea, and i seem to project it to whomever i deem i want to be with. to Onelle, Threesa and now Four..., yeah, just Four, easier that way. anyways, knowing this, im trying to separate it from what i feel about her, though i never have feelings about a person generally-just a general liking or disliking, or even hate, though i really dont hate anyone, just what they do to me. in particular, only one person in my entire lifetime do i hate-and only because he was projecting his feelings for someone else onto me.

i dont want to have to grow a judge, i dont believe in judging people, but i might have to in order to grow feelings about others. this would be the most logical route for this, but thoughts and feelings interact very illogically at times.

so, my thoughts on her: we're incredibly compatible, we like the same things, think similarly-abstractly and thoughtfully, and often out-there. we're close in age, and want the same things down the line. but, she has some of the same faults as me, including my biggest one, the incredibly shy, and passiveness. she hates forging ahead into the unknown without thinking-something i can do to some extant, with faith that itl turn out fine. she cares a lot about how others are, almost to the point of ridiculousness. and she seems to have a "higher" morality than me.

and my feelings: shes incredibly cute(cute factor...KEEEWOOOT) in her caring, her misunderstandings, and generally the way she acts. i enjoy the talks we have, when we do talk, even though i seem to do most of it. i can only think of a couple things to make her more perfect, though i think itd be more fantasy than reality to think that all of em could exist in one person, not like any of them are important anyways, just one personality trait and some small physical changes...(mmm foot tastes good). i see nothing...so far, that could show me that we wouldnt be a good match for...a lifelong commitment. i would love to love her, if she could love me back, if she could be happy with me...but i suppose that has to do more with my love with love than with anything else.

so im going to be what she wants me to be at this juncture: a friend, and separate my feelings about love from her, and just hope that something will change in me or her, giving "us" a chance at love, and in my belief, happiness. though, im not giving up on finding it elsewhere, id just like it to be her, mostly that itd be easier, but nothing worth having is easy to attain, or so ive been told.

so in my semi-delirium i wrote some things down, addressed to Four:
Thoughts of you burn inside me, making me groan in beautiful pain.
I thought someone like you could not exist in reality. You seem to have come from my unfinished dreams.
You, to me, represent a dream. A dream thought to be unattainable. This dream, I am in love with, and hope to gain one day. If it is to be with you, I cannot foresee a happier ending to the dream.

SO IF YOU ARE WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT, AND SEE THIS, KNOW THAT THIS IS MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS ON YOU, AND WOULDNT ACT ON THEM WITHOUT A CUE FROM YOU. THAT IS A HARD LINE I DARE NOT CROSS, OUT OF RESPECT AND INTEGRITY. THANK YOU FOR READING.

i should write...but dunno what about

mmmmcheesemmmm nah

oblivion crashing? yes, but no

the amount of nothing im getting from dating sites? nah, just started on em, relatively

my moms toe and incapacitation, resulting in me taking care of the whole house by myself, though still failing? i would, but id just be complaining about me being too lazy to do anything.

lack of jobs on the horizon? all i have to say is: socialism/communism

all that is in my life is loneliness, and hes my friend again. at least hes a good friend, letting me tread water, rather than pulling me under. though i still wish hed go away.

-turns on the cyber-sonar in search of...well ill know when i see it, PING!-

i want to fucking rant-adult content thingy enabled

you know what pisses me off more than anything? this imperfect world no one can change. everyone is trying to work with what we have and make it work for them. but i say i will not be society's bitch and bow down to the injustices and oppression that i see around me. people have the goddamn right to be happy, and not compromise that just so that it will work in today's society. people getting jobs they hate just to live is retarded, needing money to live is retarded. people should do what makes them happy, not what makes them money to live. life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness the declaration of Independence says-well, we have life, but our society binds us in a way that leaves us with no liberty or happiness-for most people. there are quite a few that can say they have happiness, and for them i am happy.

sigh, okay, maybe im just pissed because its hard to contribute to society in a way that matches my wants and needs. i need a fucking job and no one ive heard of gets one that they love-mostly they just tolerate it because it pays well, or theres nothing else out there. this trap i refuse to get in, i dont want to get a job i hate just for the money and never find the job i deserve because i dont have time to find it, or cant take the pay cut. then i cant quit cuz i need the money, and quicker than you can think, youre stuck there for the rest of your life miserable. this to me IS death, and hell. and i refuse to believe that this world cannot be changed for the better, or that i cant have a happy life.

goddamn mother fucking shit. grrrrr rant over, and responding to this will only get me more pissed off or make me feel beaten down-i will not appriciate it.

sooo...

i dont think ill be posting the day to day business of the fiasco. i originally wanted to write it down for posterity, but now i just want to put it behind me and forget it-remembering what lessons i have learned. needless to say, i made a few mistakes and was really tired and smelly from my bus, self pressured to make a good impression on the people in her life, and something else she hasnt told me(or she doesnt know herself)... which led to her falling out of love with me. of course this kinda drove me mad once i got home and ended up trying to keep something of what we had-and ended up making her feel uncomfortable. so now i sit in a self-imposed exile from the chat, trying to straighten my head out enough to maybe converse with her again and head back to that chat room.

if i get any response to write up the whole trip i will, i feel i still need to write it down, but im not really motivated to do so.

so now besides all that, ill be using this blog to write the random stuff that comes to my mind, like everyone else does-i just had to write all this down because of the crazy stuff and changes ive gone through in the last 6 months.

or maybe ill use it to expand my thoughts on my fantasy world, information which can be found on my website. comments and questions are welcome here-im a weird guy and dont take anything personally even though sometimes i respond that way.

okay, i may not post every day...

been the usual non-motivated lately, so im finally getting around to write this up:

so... this is the story of my first and only love lost now to memory, and since im writing it, history. Her name was (Threesa), and we met in a chat room. we were just hanging out talking to anyone and everyone in there, eventually it got late and quieted down. she started expressing her grief over her failed relationship, and i felt for her and comforted her-just being there for her and empathizing, as i never been through that sort of thing before. she felt better and eventually went to bed. we started talking more and more, and we hit it off grandly. we even got talking on the phone for a while, just bullshitting, really, and getting to know each other. at the time i wasnt looking for anything but a good time, a friend and, when she wanted, some....more intimate "talks". there was some minor dramas which i helped fix concerning some others in the chat and her, making me realize i might have some sort of talent in diplomacy-even though ive been a quiet, shy person throughout my life.

so then came the time when i was trying to plan that trip to see Onelle if she was interested. of course i couldnt get an answer as she was moving at the time, and during that time i was out of contact with Onelle, things got very heated with Threesa-we were talking everyday, and i worried when i missed a message or a call, or when she was busy that day and didnt mention it the previous day-not that she made a lot of plans, but still, it irrationally drove me nuts, not wanting to be away from the computer for long. i realized it was stupid to feel that way, so i squashed the feeling, but couldnt fully shake it. When Onelle said no, i was crushed as i needed to get out and do something crazy like that, and i wanted to meet someone i was interested in, and starting up something ive been missing my entire life-a relationship, or at least a date(love). since things were going really well with Threesa, i decided that Onelle missed her chance with me and i would focus on Threesa. So i cut off any other things i might or might not have been doing with others in chat, even though Threesa never said that i should, i just decided to simplify things and just focus on her.

It was the greatest month of my life. I was happy, and not just content, happy. i had found someone to tell deep intimate secrets to, and feel comfortable doing so, i told her stuff and shared my feelings, it was practically spiritual, and changed me in ways i couldnt believe. I was...a different person, calm, cool, and sexy-thats right, sexy, me. one night, it became clear that she had developed feelings for me, but said that she still was getting over her ex, and couldnt give me her heart, as she was afraid i would crush it. this led me to examine how i felt and after a night of searching, i found that i did indeed love her. i decided that i wouldnt say it til i saw her in real life, and made plans for the trip ive been wanting to see her instead. i told her the idea, and she was wary of it, but she didnt say no-in fact, she was receptive, but didnt want it to be for a while, so i was happy enough-i wanted to set a date and start planning, but i had to be patient.

a couple weeks went by and she was planning to go to an anime convention, and since ive never been to a convention before, i thought it would be cool to go to it-but i was just musing at the time-she thought this a great idea, so then the date was set-i was to go see her and hang out at the anime con, and do a few other things as i would be there for a week-i figured a couple days wouldnt be enough. i ordered the bus tickets as i cant really fly anymore, and checked out some of the other attractions the city had-i wanted to go to the gardens, and the zoo at least, and play some munchkin. all was set in place and i was excited as....well, a virgin who was going to get laid by 2 women at the same time.

ill stop here i guess, its gotten pretty long and seems logical to end on the high note.

and so the story continues....

so first, i have to give a couple people in the story some sort of identity, so here we are: girl no 1 shall be... onelle, 2 shall be twona and no 3 shall be threesa to protect their real identity of course, but if they read this they will know who they are, as will several others, but thats not the point....

a little re-hashing may be in order, as i may have put things a lil out of order...

so first, a long while back, i was in the chat room just hanging around, and out of the blue, Onelle started chatin with me, and we hit it off nicely, and talked for like 4 hours straight about this and that.(i dont exactly remember, but i did have a system and "meter" at the time...more about that later maybe) so anyways, i ended up liking her a bit and kept in touch, exchanged IMs and some non-sexy pix, i think she got me to break down and open up a photobucket so it would be easier, and look for some non-threatening pix in my moms scrapbook stuff-i have a pic of me at the computer that makes me look like a stalker. she had a bum computer and complained about it a lot, and that effected me in a way that i havent been effected before-the need to be a hero and rescue the damsel in distress, it think i liked it, depite me feeling helpless about her distress. she likes to do a lot of forum roleplaying, so i ended up making a character for a vamp-warewolf site that went down right as i finished it basically, and she helped me with her photoshop expertise on making a banner and pix-he was based off of jack black so i needed some help finding good pix of him-which ironically made me find a name for a supporting character that ended up being a "niece's" name. so, that was fun while it lasted and made me realize that i need to write some stories that arent in the world of Adym, so that anything i write in there isnt so rough and crude as to destroy my life if it came out wrong and everyone hated it-but this is the most ive done since then. yes i have a motivation problem, and apparently im on a tangent....

ahh! so, i ended up getting some money on my tax return and i felt the need to get out and do something else instead of the usual stay at home and buy games, so i came up with this plan to do something for valentines day for once in my life and ask Onelle out. she lived like 1000 miles away and was preparing to move and i was being real discreet-not asking for the longest time out of fear that shell think i was a stalker or something, so when i did ask her she didnt answer for like a week or so, as she was moving, but i needed to know so i could order the tickets for a discount. so i ended up pressing her too hard i guess, and she was too reluctant to go out with me at that time. sure the rejection hurt, since i have been missing out on the holiday that i most admire, but have never been a part of, and yes i did get emotional, but in the end, i thought i was giving her a last shot at me before i pursued another, but id be skipping the story of twona if i went into that now.

so anyways, were still friends and i talk to her a decent amount, and i intend to join her for wow once i get a job, and of course id love to meet her someday for coffee or something.

and now we go on to Twona:
i forget how it started with her, but what i do remember is that one day she propositioned me for cyber-sex, and what kind of man would turn that down? not me. Ill spare you the exact details, but she said i was good at it and we did that a lot for a while. we didnt really do a lot of serious talking, but she did propose the idea of me meeting Threena and having her as well. but anyways, she liked to fight with me about gossiping and telling people things about her i aught not to, which was generally a good learning experience for me, but some of the things i couldnt talk about was generally too restricting, and honestly got on my nerves, as i am so open about everything. i dont tell people some stuff because i figure it would be too embarrassing for them to know certain things. so eventually, she wanted some pics, and i gave her what i had, and i asked for one in return, which she didnt have any available on her computer, so she sent one to me on her phone, so that i may post it for her and show it to some people that wanted it. it turns out, she wasnt attractive to me, sadly. I said as much, and she got angry of course, and didnt talk to me for a while. It effectively ended our sexual relationship, along with threena. this felt like my first "break-up", but i wasnt as emotionally invested as one would think for their first one. we smoothed things over and now i talk to her a bit and i helped her through some rough patches with someone she was dating irl, and we keep in touch.

i think ill save threena for tomorrow, since if i were to get in to her right here, the entry would be much, much longer than this already long post.

if you have any questions, feel free to contact me, and i should answer them in my next entry so that is i made something unclear, others would benefit from the answers.

oops

sorry, it got too late for me to post today, err yesterday, im calling it a night before i pass out, i should post the continuation of the story tomorrow, err today, but im trying to decide on how much details i should put in here... anyways gnite.

First blog

so, i am making this blog because i may have been a little crazy lately and the person that has opened me up to all this new, wonderful stuff that is feelings and emotions no longer really wants to talk to me, and so i have been stewing in my own thoughts for far too long and need to write some of it down.

so ill start with the story of the "fiasco"-from the beginning around October or so: it all started with a couple games, as i am an avid non-competitive gamer-namely castle crashers and spore, the best games of 2008...unless im forgetting a couple. anyways, in playing these games, i do research and stuff online to unlock everything once ive beaten the game (well spore takes monumental effort to do so, and i havent played in a while), and i came upon some forum posts whaere there were little pixel dragons, and after a while i checked it out. it was a simple internet adoptibles site(dragcave.net) with nothing but dragons to grow and breed, and keep alive, and as im a dracophile(dragon-friend you dirty peoples) it interested me enough to try it-so i grabbed 4 eggs and hoped that my meager internet presence would cause the little drakes to hatch and grow-i was wrong, as it takes a week to hatch, i waited, and they all died. so i decided to give it another go but i looked on the forums to see how others made theirs grow-which led me to a fansite, and in this fansite was a chat, in which was a surprising ratio of girls to guys-but few legal of course. i stayed in chat nonetheless, just to hang out and chat, seeing as i needed some sort of life-why not chat online?

within this chatroom of mostly girls, i made quite some strides in opening myself up and being sociable, making a few friends, and even got comfortible enough to flirt(which i have previously been to shy to before). Of course i started "feeling" things others were: if someone was having a bad day, and bitching about it, it made me wish i was with them to fix it-to make them happy. i just wanted to make everyones life happier at that point, by helping them with their problems and making them feel better about themselves. ....then came the cyber-sex, which i was hesitant at first, seeing as i was a virgin, and not wanting to make anyone do anything they didnt want to do in the first place. it turned out that either they were lying or i was indeed good at it, either way, it led me to something extremely weird and uncanny: i tried to go to bed that night, but was hit by hysterical crying. i flip-flopped from one explanation to another, just uncertain as could be, since it was an awesome day in the chat.... i went from helplessness, to lovesickness, to tears of joy, to identity crisis...i dunno wtf it was, i was just crying. it was just for that night, and i was in a weird state for a couple days.

around this time, i had been thinking about a trip, more for myself than anything to go out on my own for a bit...i didnt know where id go or what i would do, then my tax return came in and decided id try to get a date for vday/my birthday, so i asked someone and they didnt replay back to me for a long while as she was preparing to move....

one of the girls i was cybering, ended up telling me a bit more about herself, and sadly, i said something that i shouldnt have, and i was a jerk for saying it-that pretty much ended that. that led me to THE one that this blog has been coming to....

oh uhh, i should save the rest for tomorrow...you know, like reality tv(which i loathe)