so, i met this new person, and i immediately felt something, which i know believe is love, but not for the person, for what she represents to me: a dream of love. i want it badly enough to have fallen in love with the idea, and i seem to project it to whomever i deem i want to be with. to Onelle, Threesa and now Four..., yeah, just Four, easier that way. anyways, knowing this, im trying to separate it from what i feel about her, though i never have feelings about a person generally-just a general liking or disliking, or even hate, though i really dont hate anyone, just what they do to me. in particular, only one person in my entire lifetime do i hate-and only because he was projecting his feelings for someone else onto me.
i dont want to have to grow a judge, i dont believe in judging people, but i might have to in order to grow feelings about others. this would be the most logical route for this, but thoughts and feelings interact very illogically at times.
so, my thoughts on her: we're incredibly compatible, we like the same things, think similarly-abstractly and thoughtfully, and often out-there. we're close in age, and want the same things down the line. but, she has some of the same faults as me, including my biggest one, the incredibly shy, and passiveness. she hates forging ahead into the unknown without thinking-something i can do to some extant, with faith that itl turn out fine. she cares a lot about how others are, almost to the point of ridiculousness. and she seems to have a "higher" morality than me.
and my feelings: shes incredibly cute(cute factor...KEEEWOOOT) in her caring, her misunderstandings, and generally the way she acts. i enjoy the talks we have, when we do talk, even though i seem to do most of it. i can only think of a couple things to make her more perfect, though i think itd be more fantasy than reality to think that all of em could exist in one person, not like any of them are important anyways, just one personality trait and some small physical changes...(mmm foot tastes good). i see nothing...so far, that could show me that we wouldnt be a good match for...a lifelong commitment. i would love to love her, if she could love me back, if she could be happy with me...but i suppose that has to do more with my love with love than with anything else.
so im going to be what she wants me to be at this juncture: a friend, and separate my feelings about love from her, and just hope that something will change in me or her, giving "us" a chance at love, and in my belief, happiness. though, im not giving up on finding it elsewhere, id just like it to be her, mostly that itd be easier, but nothing worth having is easy to attain, or so ive been told.
so in my semi-delirium i wrote some things down, addressed to Four:
Thoughts of you burn inside me, making me groan in beautiful pain.
I thought someone like you could not exist in reality. You seem to have come from my unfinished dreams.
You, to me, represent a dream. A dream thought to be unattainable. This dream, I am in love with, and hope to gain one day. If it is to be with you, I cannot foresee a happier ending to the dream.
SO IF YOU ARE WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT, AND SEE THIS, KNOW THAT THIS IS MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS ON YOU, AND WOULDNT ACT ON THEM WITHOUT A CUE FROM YOU. THAT IS A HARD LINE I DARE NOT CROSS, OUT OF RESPECT AND INTEGRITY. THANK YOU FOR READING.
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