ive been made aware of a flaw in the way i do things. a flaw, that as a dreamer, i didnt even imagine i had. in my desire to share myself and keep options open i may have inadvertently hurt people. this is causing me to look at myself and reassess how i live my life(watching pay it forward again this morning also helped), and the future of that life. mostly in the form of: what chances i should take, and if i dont make a choice, ill not have the opportunity to take the chances i want to take.
more specifically: Four has lifted a curtain on my dreams, showing me a whole other dimension to love and relationships that i shouldnt have overlooked because i cant predict them. i had left that blank in my head to be filled by whoever i find to want me in return. but ive realized i shouldnt have-i shouldve narrowed down what i want and filled in a lot of the blank. but im afraid if i had done that id end up missing someone i could be happy with because i am too picky.
also, i need to change more than me finding a job and getting a license, i need to be less selfish. i give excuses and rationalizations for it, but i just need to stop and stand on my own, so that i can give of myself truly selflessly. This, im sure, is why she decided that she didnt want a relationship with me. shes experienced the less dimensioned relationships and had her heart broken when she wasnt properly considered/understood in what she wanted and needed(extrapolated assumption). so she doesnt want to get emotionally involved unless her needs are properly met. given this reality, and believing i can make those changes in myself, i have to decide whether or not to pursue it, whether or not im ready for that kind of thing, whether or not thats the future i want in myself, or if theres another that i havent seen, that i can have what i want while giving those what they want. where does this piece of the puzzle fit in my ideas, and am i making too much of a compromise on my dreams, as dreams and fantasies by definition, are selfish.
ive been successful in separating myself from my obsession with love and the depressions that occasionally pop up because of it. so i feel free again as i did before all this happened. but that said, it makes it all more uncertain for me as i dont have the overwhelming desire to search for happiness, but i can look at making the small steps, and there are many. first step: a fucking job that i can stand for a decent amount of time.
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