Torn

my feelings for four have increased and i torn whether or not to confront her about them and force a decision from her. im not sure howd she react, and im afraid to lose her. and i dont want trap her with a loser without a job or money and still lives with his parents, she deserves a better partner. i know parts of these feelings are not completely directed at her, just the idea of someone liking me in return, though i cannot imagine a real person id rather be with. anyone else i could imagine is a fantasy, that i know for certain.

i tried to get together with her tomorrow, but shes heading up to seattle for a cool class for the day, though i think she mightve hesitated in going because of me, because i really want to see her again, then after i calmed down i saw it was a good opportunity for her, and its not like shes leaving permanently, i gave her the impression she should go-and so she is. she apparently doesnt like keeping mundane plans, and said as much, so im coming to the conclusion i should just show up at her place-though i shouldnt without asking her. i think its possible shes scared at making commitments, as shes had so many fall apart, and been hurt by it all.

i really should ask her what she thinks about all this, but, im fearful, though she knows clearly what i want. ive told her enough, and she hasnt responded negatively, or at all. which is horribly ambiguous, though shes given me several clues that she wants more, but nothing beyond another explanation. i shall list them, according to my point of view, in an effort to maybe build a case for me to go for it, or not to. she agreed, and was enthusiastic, about going to a weekend camp-out with me, during an SCA event after one date where i met her at her school, and mostly planned the trip, brought her a rose, and bought her dinner...at taco bell. we had a great time at the event, and at the end is when she told me straight out that she just wanted to be friends, that she doesnt think were compatible because were too much alike. she quit the dating site from where we met, saying "but im glad to have met you", and said she was stopping the search for love at the moment. i asked her, foolishly, to help out Onelle, even though it would be way out of her way, to get her to a pirate fair thing-which im sure she wouldve liked being there, so i thought ...maybe? anyways, she blew up at me, saying im thoughtless of her feelings...or something to that effect. later, when i forgot to mention the pirate fair up here, of which she didnt really show much interest, she said i liked onelle more than her. which isnt true, and i sent her a lovely letter telling her that. so, i dunno what to think other than she is content how it is now. any advice is welcome, though as it stands, i plan to see her again as soon as is comfortable for her, though its not for me.