imagery

the path not traveled, while dangerous, is worth exploring. the pain of regret is worse than the pain of knowledge. the hardest thing one can ever do is start. the easiest thing one can do is wish. empathy and sympathy are the twists and turns in the maze of communication. love may be worth what ever one sacrifices, but it must be gained in consideration of the other. figuring that out is the greatest puzzle one can solve. time is the neutral enemy of everything. trapping a skittish animal is more painful than befriending it.

decisions decisions

i fucking hate making difficult decisions, so this saturday i have 2 things: my cousin is moving, and a game. its been hard to plan the game-been out a couple months now without a continuation of the campaign weve been working on. and i said id help my cousin no matter what. why does everything have to happen on the same weekend? i wish i could save a weekend in which i do nothing for a future time, and when i need it, i could go back and use that time. and im creating another decision in my head, where there needs to be none, which would be a tough one also. life sucks, even when it doesnt, youre just using a different hooker.

subject blackout

out of respect for fours privacy, i will not be discussing her here forthwith, ill will be trying to talk directly to her about it all, yes shes read my blog and she hasnt stopped talking to me. thats the last word on here youll hear of it. i am sorry if i have enthralled anyone with the drama of my thoughts of her, ill have to think of something else to write about, maybe a fiction? that could be entertaining...youll have to wait and see what i feel like doing...same quantum time, same quantum place(as in a time or place cannot be properly measured within a degree of error...or something, i dont feel like putting it in proper word-order, im tired)

Falling through Limbo

ive given up trying to land four, she made it clear she doesnt want to put any effort into doing anything with me.

i still might be over-reacting, but heres what she said, but let me put it in the proper context. she was really tired and frustrated with her stolen wireless internet cutting out often, and prolly irritated at me a bit because i wanted to do something with her-she couldve at least came and seen me after her trip...but thats neither here nor there:

four: adam, i dont want to plan to do anything anytime
four: i would be happy to see you at game or sca
four: otherwise, i am not making plans

she says that shes not one to make plans-and thats true, but if you want to find someone you have to make the effort and look forward to it. she knows this, which is why im sure she doesnt want me. she prolly never did-but her mixed signals were so intriguing due to that i wanted her, and cant imagine someone "better" exists for me. so i continue my fruitless searches, running towards a dream that will never come true ...as i want them? interesting thought that...

all this leads me to realize that i am indeed emo-in a candy shell. ever since my "awakening" ive never been the same, and cant imagine how i was before 8 months ago-before i felt anything that truly mattered. i wish everything went differently from then on, maybe i could be happy, maybe i could have a job, maybe i could monetarily show how i feel to people that matter. this year was special to me, and now i think its made me realize how depressing life can truly be...but theres still a couple months left to prove me wrong. I DARE IT TO.