you know what pisses me off more than anything? this imperfect world no one can change. everyone is trying to work with what we have and make it work for them. but i say i will not be society's bitch and bow down to the injustices and oppression that i see around me. people have the goddamn right to be happy, and not compromise that just so that it will work in today's society. people getting jobs they hate just to live is retarded, needing money to live is retarded. people should do what makes them happy, not what makes them money to live. life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness the declaration of Independence says-well, we have life, but our society binds us in a way that leaves us with no liberty or happiness-for most people. there are quite a few that can say they have happiness, and for them i am happy.
sigh, okay, maybe im just pissed because its hard to contribute to society in a way that matches my wants and needs. i need a fucking job and no one ive heard of gets one that they love-mostly they just tolerate it because it pays well, or theres nothing else out there. this trap i refuse to get in, i dont want to get a job i hate just for the money and never find the job i deserve because i dont have time to find it, or cant take the pay cut. then i cant quit cuz i need the money, and quicker than you can think, youre stuck there for the rest of your life miserable. this to me IS death, and hell. and i refuse to believe that this world cannot be changed for the better, or that i cant have a happy life.
goddamn mother fucking shit. grrrrr rant over, and responding to this will only get me more pissed off or make me feel beaten down-i will not appriciate it.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
sooo...
i dont think ill be posting the day to day business of the fiasco. i originally wanted to write it down for posterity, but now i just want to put it behind me and forget it-remembering what lessons i have learned. needless to say, i made a few mistakes and was really tired and smelly from my bus, self pressured to make a good impression on the people in her life, and something else she hasnt told me(or she doesnt know herself)... which led to her falling out of love with me. of course this kinda drove me mad once i got home and ended up trying to keep something of what we had-and ended up making her feel uncomfortable. so now i sit in a self-imposed exile from the chat, trying to straighten my head out enough to maybe converse with her again and head back to that chat room.
if i get any response to write up the whole trip i will, i feel i still need to write it down, but im not really motivated to do so.
so now besides all that, ill be using this blog to write the random stuff that comes to my mind, like everyone else does-i just had to write all this down because of the crazy stuff and changes ive gone through in the last 6 months.
or maybe ill use it to expand my thoughts on my fantasy world, information which can be found on my website. comments and questions are welcome here-im a weird guy and dont take anything personally even though sometimes i respond that way.
if i get any response to write up the whole trip i will, i feel i still need to write it down, but im not really motivated to do so.
so now besides all that, ill be using this blog to write the random stuff that comes to my mind, like everyone else does-i just had to write all this down because of the crazy stuff and changes ive gone through in the last 6 months.
or maybe ill use it to expand my thoughts on my fantasy world, information which can be found on my website. comments and questions are welcome here-im a weird guy and dont take anything personally even though sometimes i respond that way.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
okay, i may not post every day...
been the usual non-motivated lately, so im finally getting around to write this up:
so... this is the story of my first and only love lost now to memory, and since im writing it, history. Her name was (Threesa), and we met in a chat room. we were just hanging out talking to anyone and everyone in there, eventually it got late and quieted down. she started expressing her grief over her failed relationship, and i felt for her and comforted her-just being there for her and empathizing, as i never been through that sort of thing before. she felt better and eventually went to bed. we started talking more and more, and we hit it off grandly. we even got talking on the phone for a while, just bullshitting, really, and getting to know each other. at the time i wasnt looking for anything but a good time, a friend and, when she wanted, some....more intimate "talks". there was some minor dramas which i helped fix concerning some others in the chat and her, making me realize i might have some sort of talent in diplomacy-even though ive been a quiet, shy person throughout my life.
so then came the time when i was trying to plan that trip to see Onelle if she was interested. of course i couldnt get an answer as she was moving at the time, and during that time i was out of contact with Onelle, things got very heated with Threesa-we were talking everyday, and i worried when i missed a message or a call, or when she was busy that day and didnt mention it the previous day-not that she made a lot of plans, but still, it irrationally drove me nuts, not wanting to be away from the computer for long. i realized it was stupid to feel that way, so i squashed the feeling, but couldnt fully shake it. When Onelle said no, i was crushed as i needed to get out and do something crazy like that, and i wanted to meet someone i was interested in, and starting up something ive been missing my entire life-a relationship, or at least a date(love). since things were going really well with Threesa, i decided that Onelle missed her chance with me and i would focus on Threesa. So i cut off any other things i might or might not have been doing with others in chat, even though Threesa never said that i should, i just decided to simplify things and just focus on her.
It was the greatest month of my life. I was happy, and not just content, happy. i had found someone to tell deep intimate secrets to, and feel comfortable doing so, i told her stuff and shared my feelings, it was practically spiritual, and changed me in ways i couldnt believe. I was...a different person, calm, cool, and sexy-thats right, sexy, me. one night, it became clear that she had developed feelings for me, but said that she still was getting over her ex, and couldnt give me her heart, as she was afraid i would crush it. this led me to examine how i felt and after a night of searching, i found that i did indeed love her. i decided that i wouldnt say it til i saw her in real life, and made plans for the trip ive been wanting to see her instead. i told her the idea, and she was wary of it, but she didnt say no-in fact, she was receptive, but didnt want it to be for a while, so i was happy enough-i wanted to set a date and start planning, but i had to be patient.
a couple weeks went by and she was planning to go to an anime convention, and since ive never been to a convention before, i thought it would be cool to go to it-but i was just musing at the time-she thought this a great idea, so then the date was set-i was to go see her and hang out at the anime con, and do a few other things as i would be there for a week-i figured a couple days wouldnt be enough. i ordered the bus tickets as i cant really fly anymore, and checked out some of the other attractions the city had-i wanted to go to the gardens, and the zoo at least, and play some munchkin. all was set in place and i was excited as....well, a virgin who was going to get laid by 2 women at the same time.
ill stop here i guess, its gotten pretty long and seems logical to end on the high note.
so... this is the story of my first and only love lost now to memory, and since im writing it, history. Her name was (Threesa), and we met in a chat room. we were just hanging out talking to anyone and everyone in there, eventually it got late and quieted down. she started expressing her grief over her failed relationship, and i felt for her and comforted her-just being there for her and empathizing, as i never been through that sort of thing before. she felt better and eventually went to bed. we started talking more and more, and we hit it off grandly. we even got talking on the phone for a while, just bullshitting, really, and getting to know each other. at the time i wasnt looking for anything but a good time, a friend and, when she wanted, some....more intimate "talks". there was some minor dramas which i helped fix concerning some others in the chat and her, making me realize i might have some sort of talent in diplomacy-even though ive been a quiet, shy person throughout my life.
so then came the time when i was trying to plan that trip to see Onelle if she was interested. of course i couldnt get an answer as she was moving at the time, and during that time i was out of contact with Onelle, things got very heated with Threesa-we were talking everyday, and i worried when i missed a message or a call, or when she was busy that day and didnt mention it the previous day-not that she made a lot of plans, but still, it irrationally drove me nuts, not wanting to be away from the computer for long. i realized it was stupid to feel that way, so i squashed the feeling, but couldnt fully shake it. When Onelle said no, i was crushed as i needed to get out and do something crazy like that, and i wanted to meet someone i was interested in, and starting up something ive been missing my entire life-a relationship, or at least a date(love). since things were going really well with Threesa, i decided that Onelle missed her chance with me and i would focus on Threesa. So i cut off any other things i might or might not have been doing with others in chat, even though Threesa never said that i should, i just decided to simplify things and just focus on her.
It was the greatest month of my life. I was happy, and not just content, happy. i had found someone to tell deep intimate secrets to, and feel comfortable doing so, i told her stuff and shared my feelings, it was practically spiritual, and changed me in ways i couldnt believe. I was...a different person, calm, cool, and sexy-thats right, sexy, me. one night, it became clear that she had developed feelings for me, but said that she still was getting over her ex, and couldnt give me her heart, as she was afraid i would crush it. this led me to examine how i felt and after a night of searching, i found that i did indeed love her. i decided that i wouldnt say it til i saw her in real life, and made plans for the trip ive been wanting to see her instead. i told her the idea, and she was wary of it, but she didnt say no-in fact, she was receptive, but didnt want it to be for a while, so i was happy enough-i wanted to set a date and start planning, but i had to be patient.
a couple weeks went by and she was planning to go to an anime convention, and since ive never been to a convention before, i thought it would be cool to go to it-but i was just musing at the time-she thought this a great idea, so then the date was set-i was to go see her and hang out at the anime con, and do a few other things as i would be there for a week-i figured a couple days wouldnt be enough. i ordered the bus tickets as i cant really fly anymore, and checked out some of the other attractions the city had-i wanted to go to the gardens, and the zoo at least, and play some munchkin. all was set in place and i was excited as....well, a virgin who was going to get laid by 2 women at the same time.
ill stop here i guess, its gotten pretty long and seems logical to end on the high note.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
and so the story continues....
so first, i have to give a couple people in the story some sort of identity, so here we are: girl no 1 shall be... onelle, 2 shall be twona and no 3 shall be threesa to protect their real identity of course, but if they read this they will know who they are, as will several others, but thats not the point....
a little re-hashing may be in order, as i may have put things a lil out of order...
so first, a long while back, i was in the chat room just hanging around, and out of the blue, Onelle started chatin with me, and we hit it off nicely, and talked for like 4 hours straight about this and that.(i dont exactly remember, but i did have a system and "meter" at the time...more about that later maybe) so anyways, i ended up liking her a bit and kept in touch, exchanged IMs and some non-sexy pix, i think she got me to break down and open up a photobucket so it would be easier, and look for some non-threatening pix in my moms scrapbook stuff-i have a pic of me at the computer that makes me look like a stalker. she had a bum computer and complained about it a lot, and that effected me in a way that i havent been effected before-the need to be a hero and rescue the damsel in distress, it think i liked it, depite me feeling helpless about her distress. she likes to do a lot of forum roleplaying, so i ended up making a character for a vamp-warewolf site that went down right as i finished it basically, and she helped me with her photoshop expertise on making a banner and pix-he was based off of jack black so i needed some help finding good pix of him-which ironically made me find a name for a supporting character that ended up being a "niece's" name. so, that was fun while it lasted and made me realize that i need to write some stories that arent in the world of Adym, so that anything i write in there isnt so rough and crude as to destroy my life if it came out wrong and everyone hated it-but this is the most ive done since then. yes i have a motivation problem, and apparently im on a tangent....
ahh! so, i ended up getting some money on my tax return and i felt the need to get out and do something else instead of the usual stay at home and buy games, so i came up with this plan to do something for valentines day for once in my life and ask Onelle out. she lived like 1000 miles away and was preparing to move and i was being real discreet-not asking for the longest time out of fear that shell think i was a stalker or something, so when i did ask her she didnt answer for like a week or so, as she was moving, but i needed to know so i could order the tickets for a discount. so i ended up pressing her too hard i guess, and she was too reluctant to go out with me at that time. sure the rejection hurt, since i have been missing out on the holiday that i most admire, but have never been a part of, and yes i did get emotional, but in the end, i thought i was giving her a last shot at me before i pursued another, but id be skipping the story of twona if i went into that now.
so anyways, were still friends and i talk to her a decent amount, and i intend to join her for wow once i get a job, and of course id love to meet her someday for coffee or something.
and now we go on to Twona:
i forget how it started with her, but what i do remember is that one day she propositioned me for cyber-sex, and what kind of man would turn that down? not me. Ill spare you the exact details, but she said i was good at it and we did that a lot for a while. we didnt really do a lot of serious talking, but she did propose the idea of me meeting Threena and having her as well. but anyways, she liked to fight with me about gossiping and telling people things about her i aught not to, which was generally a good learning experience for me, but some of the things i couldnt talk about was generally too restricting, and honestly got on my nerves, as i am so open about everything. i dont tell people some stuff because i figure it would be too embarrassing for them to know certain things. so eventually, she wanted some pics, and i gave her what i had, and i asked for one in return, which she didnt have any available on her computer, so she sent one to me on her phone, so that i may post it for her and show it to some people that wanted it. it turns out, she wasnt attractive to me, sadly. I said as much, and she got angry of course, and didnt talk to me for a while. It effectively ended our sexual relationship, along with threena. this felt like my first "break-up", but i wasnt as emotionally invested as one would think for their first one. we smoothed things over and now i talk to her a bit and i helped her through some rough patches with someone she was dating irl, and we keep in touch.
i think ill save threena for tomorrow, since if i were to get in to her right here, the entry would be much, much longer than this already long post.
if you have any questions, feel free to contact me, and i should answer them in my next entry so that is i made something unclear, others would benefit from the answers.
a little re-hashing may be in order, as i may have put things a lil out of order...
so first, a long while back, i was in the chat room just hanging around, and out of the blue, Onelle started chatin with me, and we hit it off nicely, and talked for like 4 hours straight about this and that.(i dont exactly remember, but i did have a system and "meter" at the time...more about that later maybe) so anyways, i ended up liking her a bit and kept in touch, exchanged IMs and some non-sexy pix, i think she got me to break down and open up a photobucket so it would be easier, and look for some non-threatening pix in my moms scrapbook stuff-i have a pic of me at the computer that makes me look like a stalker. she had a bum computer and complained about it a lot, and that effected me in a way that i havent been effected before-the need to be a hero and rescue the damsel in distress, it think i liked it, depite me feeling helpless about her distress. she likes to do a lot of forum roleplaying, so i ended up making a character for a vamp-warewolf site that went down right as i finished it basically, and she helped me with her photoshop expertise on making a banner and pix-he was based off of jack black so i needed some help finding good pix of him-which ironically made me find a name for a supporting character that ended up being a "niece's" name. so, that was fun while it lasted and made me realize that i need to write some stories that arent in the world of Adym, so that anything i write in there isnt so rough and crude as to destroy my life if it came out wrong and everyone hated it-but this is the most ive done since then. yes i have a motivation problem, and apparently im on a tangent....
ahh! so, i ended up getting some money on my tax return and i felt the need to get out and do something else instead of the usual stay at home and buy games, so i came up with this plan to do something for valentines day for once in my life and ask Onelle out. she lived like 1000 miles away and was preparing to move and i was being real discreet-not asking for the longest time out of fear that shell think i was a stalker or something, so when i did ask her she didnt answer for like a week or so, as she was moving, but i needed to know so i could order the tickets for a discount. so i ended up pressing her too hard i guess, and she was too reluctant to go out with me at that time. sure the rejection hurt, since i have been missing out on the holiday that i most admire, but have never been a part of, and yes i did get emotional, but in the end, i thought i was giving her a last shot at me before i pursued another, but id be skipping the story of twona if i went into that now.
so anyways, were still friends and i talk to her a decent amount, and i intend to join her for wow once i get a job, and of course id love to meet her someday for coffee or something.
and now we go on to Twona:
i forget how it started with her, but what i do remember is that one day she propositioned me for cyber-sex, and what kind of man would turn that down? not me. Ill spare you the exact details, but she said i was good at it and we did that a lot for a while. we didnt really do a lot of serious talking, but she did propose the idea of me meeting Threena and having her as well. but anyways, she liked to fight with me about gossiping and telling people things about her i aught not to, which was generally a good learning experience for me, but some of the things i couldnt talk about was generally too restricting, and honestly got on my nerves, as i am so open about everything. i dont tell people some stuff because i figure it would be too embarrassing for them to know certain things. so eventually, she wanted some pics, and i gave her what i had, and i asked for one in return, which she didnt have any available on her computer, so she sent one to me on her phone, so that i may post it for her and show it to some people that wanted it. it turns out, she wasnt attractive to me, sadly. I said as much, and she got angry of course, and didnt talk to me for a while. It effectively ended our sexual relationship, along with threena. this felt like my first "break-up", but i wasnt as emotionally invested as one would think for their first one. we smoothed things over and now i talk to her a bit and i helped her through some rough patches with someone she was dating irl, and we keep in touch.
i think ill save threena for tomorrow, since if i were to get in to her right here, the entry would be much, much longer than this already long post.
if you have any questions, feel free to contact me, and i should answer them in my next entry so that is i made something unclear, others would benefit from the answers.
oops
sorry, it got too late for me to post today, err yesterday, im calling it a night before i pass out, i should post the continuation of the story tomorrow, err today, but im trying to decide on how much details i should put in here... anyways gnite.
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