Torn

my feelings for four have increased and i torn whether or not to confront her about them and force a decision from her. im not sure howd she react, and im afraid to lose her. and i dont want trap her with a loser without a job or money and still lives with his parents, she deserves a better partner. i know parts of these feelings are not completely directed at her, just the idea of someone liking me in return, though i cannot imagine a real person id rather be with. anyone else i could imagine is a fantasy, that i know for certain.

i tried to get together with her tomorrow, but shes heading up to seattle for a cool class for the day, though i think she mightve hesitated in going because of me, because i really want to see her again, then after i calmed down i saw it was a good opportunity for her, and its not like shes leaving permanently, i gave her the impression she should go-and so she is. she apparently doesnt like keeping mundane plans, and said as much, so im coming to the conclusion i should just show up at her place-though i shouldnt without asking her. i think its possible shes scared at making commitments, as shes had so many fall apart, and been hurt by it all.

i really should ask her what she thinks about all this, but, im fearful, though she knows clearly what i want. ive told her enough, and she hasnt responded negatively, or at all. which is horribly ambiguous, though shes given me several clues that she wants more, but nothing beyond another explanation. i shall list them, according to my point of view, in an effort to maybe build a case for me to go for it, or not to. she agreed, and was enthusiastic, about going to a weekend camp-out with me, during an SCA event after one date where i met her at her school, and mostly planned the trip, brought her a rose, and bought her dinner...at taco bell. we had a great time at the event, and at the end is when she told me straight out that she just wanted to be friends, that she doesnt think were compatible because were too much alike. she quit the dating site from where we met, saying "but im glad to have met you", and said she was stopping the search for love at the moment. i asked her, foolishly, to help out Onelle, even though it would be way out of her way, to get her to a pirate fair thing-which im sure she wouldve liked being there, so i thought ...maybe? anyways, she blew up at me, saying im thoughtless of her feelings...or something to that effect. later, when i forgot to mention the pirate fair up here, of which she didnt really show much interest, she said i liked onelle more than her. which isnt true, and i sent her a lovely letter telling her that. so, i dunno what to think other than she is content how it is now. any advice is welcome, though as it stands, i plan to see her again as soon as is comfortable for her, though its not for me.

internet tease

no, this isnt about anyone, im sorry to get your hopes up.

this is about the free reviewing of matches on dating sites. we join these sites to find someone special, and its free to join, and they let you see all of the people who would be great for you, and you want to contact them....BUT to communicate with those great people you have to pay, like the sites a goddamn pimp, and not sharing any of the money with their hos....not that they are hos, im just using a colorful metaphor here. just fucking sucks for people who join the site because theyre free and have the whole evil sales technique pushed on us. but there is one site ive found that is good and was recommended to me by a friend and i pass that recommendation onto you! (limited time only, void where prohibited) www.plentyoffish.com its where i found Four, and i hope you find someone special there too.

so, your prolly wondering how thats going right? its going well, ive gotten a lil bit enamored again with her, shes still out of town visiting her family and having a dismal time. her plans got derailed by them, and shes fed up with them for now. she has psycho-analyzed me and her, and doesnt believe wed be a good fit for a relationship, but great friends. when she said this to me-when she was in town-a bit of me wanted to cry, but she wasnt saying "eww, get away from me", she was saying..., well i dunno, but i know she likes me.

my delusional, hopeful mind has created some ideas, but i cant put them down, because they might be too stalker-ish, and scares me that part of my mind creates something like that. and before you get scared of me too, they have to do with her thoughts and feelings that she may hide from me and or herself...not anything like...criminal. i really do believe that she is honest with me, and is not trying to manipulate anything, or foolishly protect her or me. optimism is just hard to put down sometimes. unfortunately, i havent been completely doing the same, and i am ashamed of it, and i hope she does read this...eventually. im trying to find the best times to breach some subjects, and not just blurt things out, though i have a couple times and she was awesome for not running to the hills(latch for my delusional hopes). all i know is for now, i need to build on what we have and see what develops, if anything, and only something good can come from this, at least i have a new friend that has some incredible insight into me, as she is the same way.

conundrum dillema

ive been made aware of a flaw in the way i do things. a flaw, that as a dreamer, i didnt even imagine i had. in my desire to share myself and keep options open i may have inadvertently hurt people. this is causing me to look at myself and reassess how i live my life(watching pay it forward again this morning also helped), and the future of that life. mostly in the form of: what chances i should take, and if i dont make a choice, ill not have the opportunity to take the chances i want to take.

more specifically: Four has lifted a curtain on my dreams, showing me a whole other dimension to love and relationships that i shouldnt have overlooked because i cant predict them. i had left that blank in my head to be filled by whoever i find to want me in return. but ive realized i shouldnt have-i shouldve narrowed down what i want and filled in a lot of the blank. but im afraid if i had done that id end up missing someone i could be happy with because i am too picky.
also, i need to change more than me finding a job and getting a license, i need to be less selfish. i give excuses and rationalizations for it, but i just need to stop and stand on my own, so that i can give of myself truly selflessly. This, im sure, is why she decided that she didnt want a relationship with me. shes experienced the less dimensioned relationships and had her heart broken when she wasnt properly considered/understood in what she wanted and needed(extrapolated assumption). so she doesnt want to get emotionally involved unless her needs are properly met. given this reality, and believing i can make those changes in myself, i have to decide whether or not to pursue it, whether or not im ready for that kind of thing, whether or not thats the future i want in myself, or if theres another that i havent seen, that i can have what i want while giving those what they want. where does this piece of the puzzle fit in my ideas, and am i making too much of a compromise on my dreams, as dreams and fantasies by definition, are selfish.
ive been successful in separating myself from my obsession with love and the depressions that occasionally pop up because of it. so i feel free again as i did before all this happened. but that said, it makes it all more uncertain for me as i dont have the overwhelming desire to search for happiness, but i can look at making the small steps, and there are many. first step: a fucking job that i can stand for a decent amount of time.