My story with Mary-Jane(person, not drugs)

Wow, its been a while, guess I haven't been frustrated or depressed in a while....or wow is distracting me. Anyways, since I last blogged, I've had quite an experience, and has changed me somewhat...or made me realize what I want to be happy. Its about a girl, obviously, we'll name Mary-Jane.

It started sometime in June i think, i was still pining for four, but i felt i couldnt just wait for her since it would be a long time til i saw her again(if ever) and she didnt feel that way about me, so i went looking again for someone to fill the void in my life that appeared since starting my love life. nothing really panned out, then Mary Jane contacted me through plentyoffish.com, and i had not even seen her on there. she was the first one to initiate contact and, we chatted for a bit(small bit) and she immediately asked me out, which freaked me out a bit to be honest, but, i decided to take the chance anyways. i went over to her home(a long bus ride) and we watched movies for a couple hours, and i was being my nervous self so nothing else happened. so the next day, she said she had a good time but thought we were too different, which i agreed with at the time and marked it up to a fail-date. she proceeded to cut off communications with me and there was no way i could talk to her, or whatever.

so then, a few weeks later she contacted me again, because im not one to cut off communications like she did. we talked a bit about what went on on our first date, and she had taken my shyness for disinterest, which i had totally warned her about beforehand. and decided to try it again, THAT DAY. i went over there again to watch some movies(her main hobby), and well, i tried harder to be more relaxed, since in our chatting she told me she wanted me to be ....more relaxed. i got myself to start cuddling, and that was good. then at some time, i looked over at her, and our lips touched, much to my happy surprise(this was my first kiss btw). this of course led to more things, including sex, and i spent the night. i was soo wrapped up in the moment that i had no barriers that ive previously had, and was totally surreal. this of course has changed me, and now i kind of crave the affection we shared, and added to the small list of things i want from a relationship. so even though there is an end to this story, the experience has helped me in the big picture.

so for the next 2 weeks, we saw each other about every 3 days for 2 days at a time. i found out im a really good lover, which i had always suspected, but never proved. i had thought we were going to last a while and we made some plans. we were very happy, though i had not started loving her. we went to the beach, watched movies, went out to eat, etc. i had even started "moving in", leaving stuff there, so id feel more comfortable. then one day before the highland games, which we were looking forward to, me especially, because im tired of being alone during one of my favorite days. ...i said that i was settling in, and that the excitement was wearing off, and i realize now i shouldve said that made me happy, but nonetheless, that upset her(too much, she confessed), and ended it a short while later bringing back my stuff, and cutting off communication again.

she contacted me again a day or 2 later, and we decided to try to be friends. that ended quickly because i would be looking for my chance, and i proved the point before she said it. that was kinda funny to be honest.

and so, the last chapter started last week, she contacted me to wish me well since i had gotten mono recently...from god-knows-where, it was a month since i had last kissed her, and shes never had it. we talked and she was lonely and horny and decided to give being f-buddies a try. it was doomed from the start because i cant just have sex, i crave a bond, but i went along with it anyways, since i didnt know that it couldnt work, and because she contacted me again i had hope for more. so yeah, i tried to hide my hand and play it slow and gentle, but im too honest, and i cant help sometimes but give myself away. she ran off again, and i decided it could never work between us, despite all the good things between us, i could never relax with her enough like i did the first time, i would always be in fear of her running away. so theres where the story ends, even if she were to try to contact me again...

i believe she has self-esteem issues(i tried to help with that), and commitment issues. she might not think she should be happy with her life until shes happy with herself...which shes been "trying" to do for a while now. she is prolly afraid that if shes not happy with herself how could someone else be, and assumes they would leave her after so long, so she doesnt let anyone get too close, as much as she wants it. im afraid if she doesnt realize this, and does something about it, ill be the best relationship shell have, at least for a very long time. and she, like everyone, deserves to be happy. i wish her luck, and a happy life.